Have you ever found yourself standing by helplessly as someone you care about suffers? In these situations, we want to do something to help. Often, we cannot. It is all too easy to underestimate the value of your simple presence. Often that is the most meaningful thing you have to give, and the one that makes the most positive difference.
Let’s think of this in practical terms. If your friend loses a job they really wished to keep, pain is inevitable. Even if you had an equivalent job to offer and your offer were accepted, the pain of the first loss still exists. If your child’s dog gets hit by a car and killed, you can rush out and buy them a new dog, yet the loss of the first dog is not erased. Yes, there are often practical things we can do to help someone who is suffering, usually after the worst of it is over. During the worst of it, your calm and caring presence often gives the best result.
Why do we want to hurry into action when someone is hurting? Yes, because we care, but also because we may have a low tolerance for witnessing pain. The ability to maintain your steady presence with someone in distress, not reacting to what is happening for them, but simply allowing them to be with it as you continue to be there and to care, has much more power to effectively help someone than does the most well-meaning action. It can make the difference between “I can’t stand this!” and “With you here with me, I can get through this.”
How do we develop and strengthen this vital ability in ourselves?
Training in Traumatic Incident Reduction focuses in part on just that, the ability to remain fully present, interested and engaged without being the least reactive, as someone works through difficult experiences in their life. It may be something that happen recently, or be an incident or situation from long ago. In either case, the pain is there, physical, emotional, or often both. Our strength in the face of that pain allows us to maintain our steady presence. Our calmness allows the other person to feel what they are feeling and express what they are feeling without interruption.
We might say that there is no more generous gift than our simple presence. In fact, though that ability to be present is the bedrock of the subject, specific techniques such as Traumatic Incident Reduction and other related techniques allow us to go on to offer greater service in the resolution of pain, when the person is ready and at their own pace.
Some people spend a great deal of time trying to be interesting to other people, but such people are typically poor communicators. It is far more important to be interested that it is to be interesting. ~ Frank A. (“Sarge”) Gerbode, MD
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